I don’t know if you are aware, but this Saturday it is Armed Forces Day a day dedicated to raising awareness of the work done by British Armed Forces and giving people the opportunity to show their support for the whole Armed Forces community.
A few weeks ago my husband, daughter and I stayed with a family we have known for years, whilst our friend was getting ready for a posting. I was struck by what a job being a forces wife and mother is as my friend had to support her husband, prepare the children for Daddy’s absence and ready herself to be a single mum for the next little while. I wanted to write something for More than a Mum about how in awe I am of forces partners and how the role should come with it’s own job description, and then I came upon an idea. We decided that we should have posts from the Mums themselves explaining the highs and lows of being a wife and mother within the Services.
Our first post guest post comes from Karen and she tells us the challenges of giving up on some of your own dreams in order to support your family.
I was in the Forces and with my husband long before I was a mum so you would think I would be more prepared than most for being a Forces wife and mother – how wrong I was!
There is something very unique about being married to someone in the Armed Forces. What they do is not just a job. It is a vocation, a passion and something which can quickly become all encompassing. You, as a wife and mother, have to take a big step back from the person you were to become the person you have to be. I, for one, was a successful business person with ambition and drive and a passion to carry on being successful. This, however, is very difficult when you are moved every two years to a different base and, often, a different country. Employers are understandably reluctant to take on an employee on whom they would spend time and money on who will move on in less than 18 months. Running your own business is almost impossible.
But, by far, the biggest challenge is being a Force’s mum. There are some jobs in the military when your husband comes home every night at 5.30pm having left at 8am – almost like an ordinary family – but these are few and far between. My husband is a fast jet navigator and has been away from his family on many, many occasions; from training missions in Las Vegas to war in Iraq and Afghanistan.
As a mum you are thrown into the role of single mother without being surrounded by your support network of family and close friends. You have to be there for your child whilst desperately needing support yourself. No-one teaches you how to explain to your child that Daddy is fighting the bad guys and might not come home or, if he does, that it might take a bit of time to get back to being normal Daddy again.
You have to be able to run the house and the finances and everything else but be able to give up some of that power when your husband returns. It is a juggling act that you have to become an expert in very quickly.
When you hear of our brave men and women on the front line in Afghanistan please remember there are also families back in the UK fighting their own battles every day.
Thanks for Karen for providing us with such a powerful opening blog. If you want to find out more about Armed Forces Day, click here. We’ll have more stories of highs and lows from Forces Mums over the course of the week. If you’d like your story to feature, you can either comment here or send us your contribution to morethanamum@gmail.com we’d love to hear from you.
10 Comments
I’ve lots of friends and family who are Force’s partners and Force’s mothers, and this post has summed up what they go through. I’m always in awe of them, and how they seem to take everything in their stride, though after reading this appreciate even more that it’s a hugely difficult juggling act.
As a forces wife of 13 years, with 2 children – one disabled, we often feel we are the ones ignored. We have lived in 11 houses in this time, each time disrupting the kids and we have more than often waved hubby off on ‘his holidays in the sand’ with a joke rather than tears. We have known loved ones not come back. We raise stoical children, who can adapt to anything life throws at them, and we save out tears for times of solitude, as we have to remain the strong consistent. What dissapoints me is when the press say things are improving for forces families……where?, how?, when? Because we have seen no change. I’m going to post a poem that was given to me many moons ago, that sums up the army wife (or any other forces wife). I hope you like it!
When God Created the Military Wife
When the Lord was creating a military wife He ran into His sixth day of overtime. An angel appeared and said, “You’re having a lot of trouble with this one. What’s wrong with the standard model?”
The Lord replied, “Have you seen the specs on this order? It has to be completely independent but must always be sponsored to get on a military installation. It must have the qualities of both mother and father during deployments, be a perfect host to 4 or 40, handle emergencies without an instruction manual, cope with flu and moves all around the world, have a kiss that cures anything from a child’s bruised knee to a husband’s weary days, have the patience of a saint when waiting for its mate to come home and, have six pairs of hands.”
The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands? No way.” The Lord answered, “Don’t worry; we will make other military wives to help. Besides, it’s not the hands that are causing the problem, it’s the heart. It must swell with pride, sustain the ache of numerous separations while remaining true, beat soundly even when it feels too tired to do so, be large enough to say ‘I understand’ when it doesn’t, and say ‘I love you’, regardless.
“Lord,” said the angel, gently touching His sleeve. “Go to bed. You can finish it tomorrow.” “I can’t,” said the Lord. “I’m so close to creating something quite unique. Already it can heal itself when sick, on a moment’s notice it will willingly embrace and feed total strangers who have been stranded during a PCS move and it can wave goodbye to its husband understanding why he had to leave.”
The angel circled the model of the military wife very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.
“But tough,” the Lord said excitedly. “You cannot imagine what this being can do or endure.”
“Can it think?” asked the angel. “Can it think?! It can convert 1400 to 2 p.m.,” replied the Lord.
Finally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she said. “I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model.” It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.” “What’s it for?” asked the angel. “It’s for joy, sadness, pain, loneliness and pride.” “You’re a genius,” said the angel.
Looking at her somberly, the Lord replied, “I didn’t put it there.”
Thank you so much for your comments. It’s a tough job and I for one, admire you all.
I think that the forces mums left behind do a great job. But what about those mums that are serving. That are away from home at sea, afghan and all over the world. The serving mums that have thier hearts broken every sunday when they have to leave thier little ones at home for the week. There are stay at home dads that do a great job too trying to be mum and dad. A serving forces mum carries so.much guilt every time they walk out the door. The unnatural feeling.of.not being.home for your children is so overwhelming and it hurts. So as well as the forces mums at home lets also remember the serving mums and the dads/husband who raise thier children well.
I could not agree more. Thank you for posting. We would have loved a post from a serving Mum or Dad, or a stay at home dad to create a full picture. If you or someone you know would like to write on for us, we’d love to host it this week.
I have had some great feedback from friends and family after they have read this on your site. I have asked my husband, currently serving in Afghanistan, if he would consider writing a piece from the Serving parent’s point of view.
Brilliant – that would be wonderful.
Thank you.
I am a forces wife. Husband currently deployed for 7 months. Im reading this post with tears in my eyes as I always do when I hear someone elses story. I think the main reason for that is us forces mums and wife just have to deal with it, and the way most of do so is just cracking on with it, because if you think too much, or miss too much, it’s so much harder for everyone. xx
Thank you for your comment.